ONE of the most important lessons I took from my comeback game against Adelaide two weekends ago was to never, ever again play a game as if I was walking on eggshells. After two suspensions this season, one of which was imposed on me by my club, I felt as if I was holding back something for the entire game against the Crows - and it left me feeling cold.
Because I was so concerned about doing something that could land me in the bad books - again - I thought twice about attacking the ball full-bore or crunching an opponent. When I reviewed my performance, and I admit it was pretty poor, I realised that fear of any sort has no place on the footy field.
Yeah, I was scared of getting into trouble … and that was a pressure I placed upon myself because my coach, Paul Roos, my teammates and the club's hierarchy have all made it clear the only expectation they place on me whenever I pull on the Swans battle strip is I play the game hard and I play the game fair.
I don't like the idea of playing as if I have to look over my shoulder. It is so difficult. When you start second-guessing yourself, mistakes get made and your confidence crumbles.
In the days after the Adelaide debacle I promised myself never to play with that mindset again, and it was pleasing to think I lived up to that against the Western Bulldogs last weekend. I walked off Canberra's Manuka Oval feeling as if I'd played with a good mix because I put a bit of pressure on the opposition with a couple of decent tackles minus the undisciplined stuff.
I did receive a bit of a post-match shock when the Swans informed me the tribunal was reviewing what I considered was nothing more than a regulation, but hard, tackle on Lindsay Gilbee.
I wasn't nervous because in my heart of hearts I knew there wasn't much to it. My only concern was the unknown, or perhaps the unexpected, coming into play. I'm obviously grateful it didn't.
The reality is my supposed reputation as a "bad boy" means I am marked. While I want to play my natural game I need to be careful. Not so long ago an opposing player admitted he dived when it appeared as though I'd struck him. To the guy's credit he said the reason he admitted to taking a dive was to ensure I didn't incur the wrath of the tribunal. It was nice of him, but it showed some opponents will use my history to their advantage.
Perhaps I have also made a burden for myself by admitting my interest in pursuing a boxing career one day. The last time I fronted the tribunal this was raised. I didn't think this was relevant as I have boxed since I was 16 and I don't think that has had anything to do with any trouble I've had on the paddock.
What I have accepted is I have no control over people's perception. However, I can control the fear of feeling as though I'm playing footy on a minefield by realising the club needs me to play with controlled aggression and that I never want to finish a game with that same, empty feeling I experienced after Adelaide.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record tomorrow night's game against Fremantle at the SCG is vital for our top-four hopes. Forget the equations and any other calculations regarding the run home to the finals - if we want to still be playing when it really counts we have to start winning games. Simple.
We've received a massive boost with the return of Adam Goodes. His groin injury has healed, he's fresh and we're desperate to have him come out and fire.
Adam adds so much to the team. He is a great leader, he's vocal and few players have his natural talent. He lifts the guys and we'll be looking to him to lead tomorrow night.